One day I was talking to a friend when suddenly suicide thoughts came to my mind. I asked her if she knew anyone who was feeling suicidal. She dropped her head, and pointed to herself. “Yeah, me, ” she said. “I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to live another day spiritual awakening movies. ” I treated her to ice cream and we had a long talk. I shared with her how i struggle with depression and could relate to suicide wishes.
It is hard for most people to imagine that a person could be so desperate to even contemplate let alone commit an act of suicide. Most people are uncomfortable with the subject and prefer not to think about or deal with it. Some of us are not so fortunate as to not have to deal with it. I know how comforting it is to have someone else to talk to who shares our struggles. When i did a research paper in graduate school on suicide, I cried when i read the tales that drove some unfortunate miserable ones to such desperate and drastic measures. Then i would nod my head and give thanks and say, “there but by the grace of God go I. ”
I sat mesmerized, listening to her story. I had never known anyone else to be as, depressed let alone, more, depressed than I was. “Most people don’t really want to end their lives, ” Elizabeth continued, “they just want relief from the hurt and pain. Some see no other way out than drinking, gluttony, sleeping 14 hours a day, been there done that one, or becoming a sex, gambling, or shop-a-holic, been there done a couple of those too. I have certainly paid my respects to the porcelain goddess. I’d counsel clients all day. Lots of therapists have major issues and problems on the home front. Hell, I became a therapist, so i could acquire some tools to help myself.
Then Elizabeth would move a little closer and speak softly, “you know, Michael, there is a lot of power in rage and depression. They are great teachers. You have to learn to do battle with them and talk to them. Find out what they are about, how they tick and click and what they want from you. Just listening to the parts of yourself that hate life and don’t want to live is a tremendous step towards healing. Most people do the opposite and try to repress and shove the negative feelings away. It never works. Skeletons don’t belong in the closet. When left alone and unattended, they find ways to clamor, and shake and rattle until they get your attention. And your attention they will get one way or another. Take it from one who’s been there. I know what I am talking about. “After going on awhile Elizabeth would tell me it was my turn to talk and she would listen and prod me along. When it got real emotional and tough, she helped me through it. I attracted Elizabeth in my life because I really did not want to commit suicide. When one wants to live one can always find a reason, just as when we truly want help we can attract it. Another time during another dark period when i wanted to end it all, I called my friend Janet. At one point I said, “I can’t die, I have never gotten through all the “Star Wars” movies or finished editing that book How to Develop your Intuition that i wrote. ” If seeing a movie, editing a book, visiting a relative or even becoming a hermit or a drunk for awhile are what it takes to get through such hard times, then i say “may the force be with us. “.
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